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I like broccoli. But it makes me gassy.
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Monday, June 23: 2008

1:24 am (Mon 06.23)

Well, I'm back writing in my LJ again. This time I'm actually gonna try to keep writing, periodically at least. All of my old LJ friends are gone.... one of them died... another just stopped writing. hmm... dani actually died... that's sad.

So I guess I'm just writing to myself. That's alright. Starting over again. Too lazy to hide all my old entries. Did some of them though. Some of my darker frustrated moments I guess. I like to think I've matured since I wrote some of those. Who knows. All I know is the last time I officially wrote here it was Christmas Eve 2006.

So, let's get this thing started again.

Sunday, December 24: 2006

3:23 am (Sun 12.24)

71 week update

What's going on? I haven't written in this thing for way over a year. I didn't die, go to jail, or get committed. And I haven't been blogging anywhere else.

So anyway, one day I ended up deciding it would be a good idea to try and go live in Japan. Start a new life, whatever. Went to Tokyo with my folks in November 2005 to check it out for 10 days. It was nice. Family friends there wanted to help set me up with a place there. Planned on a return sometime in the Spring '06, very possibly to find employment (just teaching English, of course) and secure a visa. Back home, studied Japanese (more or less in vain), tried to make a few actual friends in Tokyo via the net before I went back there (totally in vain - don't know why, but I suck even worse at making friends on the net than in real life!), did a bunch of Japanese cultural exposure stuff, and through it, ended up meeting a Japanese girl (living in Hawaii) who seemed to like me (though it took some convincing).

She hooked me up with her family contacts back home in Japan. Eventually we became a couple... reluctantly for her, because she wasn't sure if I'd end up living away in Japan long-term. Then being the sap I am, I realized I didn't want to live in Japan long-term anymore if it meant leaving her in Hawaii. I did go to Tokyo anyway, for 2 months in May and June. No longer intending to secure employment, I accomplished nothing in my stay except the experience of living there for awhile.

It was fun though. Rented an apartment in Ueno from my family friends, lived on my own for the first time in my life, saw the city and some parts outside, rode the trains a lot, walked around a WHOLE lot, took more Japanese lessons (basically again in vain), watched all the pretty J-girls who seem to shop for a living. Met girlfriend's nice family, spent some time with them, but mostly just wandered around on my own. It started to get boring, and I probably burned about 3-4 thousand of my savings in those 2 months, but it was worth it. Actually I still kind of miss it. Being in that country. Having my own little place. Girlfriend came the last two weeks, and it was a great time. Went to Disneyland, shopping, she made me cut my hair, the whole, whatever, all that good stuff.

We came back to Hawaii together. I finally started to look to actually starting a career. Our relationship cooled off for various reasons, known and unknown. She just wasn't very into me. Busy. And I was too into her. Somehow we stayed together anyway (I guess I'm persistent and she's not very decisive). Finding decent full time work, working with animals has proven to be difficult. Took a shit part time job at a local pet store (retail ... *pukes*). Started volunteering at the zoo for some experience. Learned to swim (sort of), supposedly to someday get SCUBA certification (for career purposes) and maybe also to take up surfing, finally got a damn driver's license. Girlfriend had time off from school so she went to San Francisco by herself for what was supposed to be just one month in Sept/Oct. While she was there I started another volunteer gig for 20 hours/week at the government-run fishery.

Girlfriend came back with bad good news. She got an offer to work in SF for awhile. Not for very long term, but several months at least. Told her to do what's best for her, and that I'd support whatever she decided. Anyway, she had probably already decided. But I guess for my showing of support (despite both of us knowing that deep down I really Hated that she was going back to SF), I suddenly became very important to her over the next month that she was still here. We actually started acting like a couple (ie, meeting more than once/twice a week). She even uncharacteristically cried when she had to leave.

Anyway, she's been gone since mid-Novemeber. Won't be seeing her for the holidays. Maybe I'll be able to visit in January or February. At 28 years of age, I still have never spent a Christmas or New Year's with a girlfriend. At almost 10 months though, this is the most successful relationship I've had. Too bad about half of it we've spent separated. Soon to be more than half.

So I just continue to look for an opportunity to start up my career. For now I "work" 50 hours/week and receive actual pay for only 24 of those hours (at minimum wage, at that shitty pet store). I've got to be the lousiest college grad in the world. But.. I do think I'll get in somewhere.. Hopefully soon.. Something I can live on.. Maybe even salaried. I'm itching to get my own place... particularly by the time the girlfriend comes back. My little place in Tokyo was sweet (as little as it was), mainly because it was my own.

So that's where I am right now, in my slowly moving life that's starting to pass way too quickly. Done a lot this year (I guess, somewhat). This "real job" and getting my own place thing is the huge remaining piece right now. That, and doing something about my ever-crappy friends-making skills. Now that, I have little optimism about.

Tuesday, December 23: 2003

2:45 am (Tue 12.23)

Fall 2003 grades

You know me (if you remember me), I don't do much laughing in my life. But this is just too funny: I didn't fail or get any D's in any of my classes this semester. That might not be funny to you, but it's for real... my face is actually warm just trying to hold the laughter in. I opened those grades expecting to see about 2 F's. Man, these grades are just stupid. College seems like a joke right about now. I'm ~~pretty~~ very sure I spent more time playing video games this semester than studying AND going to class (including the 1 1/2 hour commute) combined... it's wrong, just so wrong.

Dave is a sad depressed lost unmotivated puppy. Just lucky to get easy teachers for complicated classes.

Sunday, January 12: 2003

1:00 am (Sun 01.12)

back from nowhere ¦ fuck off, sher ¦ fall '02 semester performance

well, I haven't written for long enough. Nothing to take note of though... nothing's going on. If you thought I was dead, or maybe even (laugh) off somewhere being happy with my life, I'm none of those.

I think I used to have a couple of regular readers here. I have no idea who they might've been, but in my absence they seem to have stopped dropping by my journal. So sad, oh well. Who the heck would want to be reading this thing anyway? Strange. I wonder if it was my brother or something. I don't see why anyone would be revisiting this journal to read up on me and my lifeless life unless they knew me IRL. I HOPE it wasn't a relative. oh well, so I'm a pathetic loser.... no big deal if they know.

First change of the new year: A week ago, got rid of my ex, sherri. It was a conditional "friendship" we had going. She doesn't associate with the guy she cheated on me with, and we're cool. I stopped talking to her a couple years ago because of him... not necessarily to get at her, just a personal decision on my part ("you make your choice, I'll make mine")... and she never gave up on trying to get my friendship back. She gets it back this year, and she just throws it away again.
She'd been away from the university (and him) for about a year, and as soon as she returned this past semester, she cheats on her CURRENT boyfriend with him, Twice (plus another time with some other guy). That guy Grant is a disease (as is she). She even thinks he's a loser. Actions, of course, do speak louder than words and thoughts. Stupid girl.. no self control, no sense of responsibility, discretion, honor, or decency for that matter. She was 17 when we dated, and I had the honor of being the first guy she cheated on. Now she's 21 and just more immature, selfish, and irresponsible than ever.

Pathetic. At least I gave her enough of my mind to make her feel guilty enough to confess things to her boyfriend. I felt this strong inclination to look out for the guy, even though I've never met him. Apparently he knows now, and he's staying with her (even though there were three PREVIOUS times she cheated that he already knew about, and apparently he said he wouldn't put up with any more). Whatever.. at LEAST he knows what he's in. It ain't a relationship. He spent this whole year after her prior cheatinous indiscretions, thinking she was clean; that she was actually being true to him. I just wanted the truth to come out.... it makes me really uneasy to see somebody played for a fool like that; how demoralized they'd be if they knew the TRUTH... yet, they really should know it. It turns out he is a fool after all, but at least now it's by his own choice. Well, keep using those condoms at least, idiots. Because when she cheats, she doesn't.

Too bad though.... she was just about the only person I had to talk to. The only person who actually liked talking to me. I don't know why it had to be HER. Why couldn't it be somebody good? And as far as relationships go, she was one of just two girlfriends that I ever had. Looking at the kind of person she is... how absolutely selfish, and rotten, screwed up, and how she treats people she's supposed to be caring about.... come on man, if I'm only gonna have two girlfriends in 24 years, did I deserve to have one of 'em be someone like her? I know I'm not the most upbeat, exciting, sweet talking, charming guy in the world... but I am a decent person.. I think. If I deserve to have dated anybody, I friggin' deserved better than that. I wonder if I'll ever have better.............. . or, anything at all, for that matter...

====

Alright, from the part of my life where I'm a complete and utter failure, to the relatively less important part of my life where I actually do alright... the part of my life where I HAVE to do alright, or else I'm *NOTHING BUT* a failure. Another success, academically, this semester. A, A, A, B, A. 3.92.

They WEREN'T hard classes.

The anatomy class was hard... but I kept up what I was doing from the start (basically cramming for tests like I always do) and stayed at, or at least near, the head of the class and got an A. It was one of those classes... in a class of 14, the range of scores was usually about 82/100 down to 29/100. So nobody really 'aced' anything.

Zoology was easy. it was 101. 3 noncummulative 40-question multiple choice exams. lecture slides and study questions posted on the net. The weird thing is, it seemed like the less I attended the class or cared about it, the better I did. My scores got progressively better in the three exams, and during the last third I ended up skipping 10/13 lectures. The sad thing is, the subject matter got progressively more interesting (they actually ended up talking about ANIMALS and not mitosis, meiosis, DNA, RNA, ATP, SA and AV nodes, neurotransmitters, etc. etc.) and I wish I had made more of my education by actually going to class to listen to a relatively cheerful professor. I'm not too bent out of shape over it though.

Shrimp and prawns was easy. Everbody (and I mean EVERYBODY) got an A. We spent our meeting time during Finals Week having a party, eating cookies, chips, and shrimp! That was instead of having an exam.
Oh.. I only have one prawn left. And the winner is, Angler. My interest kinda fell off after they started killing each other. That made me sad. Basically it went like this: Angler kills Kronos, White Horse kills Scout, Angler kills White Horse. I suppose my tank wasn't set up correctly to accommodate multiple arthropodal inhabitants. All in all though, I did have above average success in keeping them alive, as far as our class was concerned.

Chem was easy. It didn't get harder than what I experienced in 151. Except that I HAD to take the final exam because there was no option to serve as a final exam tutor for acing the midterms (I was again one of about 10 to 12 out of a couple hundred who would have qualified to do that, if it was an option). I mean.. it was almost ALL review. I don't even know what the difference is between 151 and 161. I didn't see it... even though they make us take a placement exam to take 161... there was no difference between chem 151 and 161, it seemed. Maybe it just seemed easy because I HAD taken 151. I definitely didn't work as hard as I did in 151. Stealing our tuition money, eh? hmmm.....

The B did come in the 1-credit chem161 lab though. It WAS harder than 151 lab. And we had a bad lab instructor. But really, I just didn't put in enough effort.

And I updated my "transcript".

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Friday, November 29: 2002

1:45 am (Fri 11.29)

thankgiving nonsense ¦ dances for aunty ¦ general discontented rambling

Crappy entry, but an entry non the less.

We did some thankgiving stuff. Another downgrade from last year and Aunty's passing away. This week went fast. On Sunday, Grandma put on a japanese dance program at Mckinley HS, in memory of Aunty. They danced dances Aunty performed throughout her life. Some people cried. It was a somewhat small crowd.... smaller turnout than the crowds recitals Grandma used to have when she was a more active dance teacher used to bring in. But it went well.

I honestly didn't know much about it myself til I was brought in to do stagehand duties.
Saw some people I hadn't seen in a long time. Think I got my first "are you married yet?" ... don't remember if anyone ever asked me that before. I guess it didn't bother me much... just made my mouth a little crooked. Well, I'm 24... I don't care I'm not married (even though everyone else is) ..... it just bothers me I've been completely single and dateless for the past 3 years (November 2 made 3 years, baby!). it doesn't matter that I'm not married.... just that I probably won't ever be.

Anyway, so there was lunch at Grandma's for Thanksgiving. That's all. But it was alright. The food was good, and the family more or less in one place. Thanksgiving will never be how it was when Aunty was around, for sure. I wonder if it will ever get "better". Or will it whittle away as the grandparents pass on and all.
Eventually every year I'll be the same old guy sitting alone at home on Thanksgiving night, eating marshmallows and looking porn, somehow seeking some warped feeling/fantasy of acceptance and belonging in it. Not that Aunty being around would prevent that. just saying. I'm not there just yet though... I'm a young guy. mmmmmm, marshmallows.

Well, I think maybe I'll go stuff my face with Thankgiving leftovers. Yup, now.

(If I were drunk now, I'd probably end this one with "I hate you all!"... but I'm not, so I'll just think it. I know, I know, I'm not making any sense. What's the point of making sense, really.)

Sunday, November 17: 2002

3:22 am (Sun 11.17)

not much, same stuff ¦ R.I.P. -- Kronos

Hey. Not a lot happening. I could write about a few personal things like my latest loss to shyness -- a missed opportunity to get to know a girl classmate better on our Kahuku prawn farm field trip -- or recent chats with my cheating ex, sherri, probably the closest person I now have to a real friend (pathetically enough). But, I don't really feel like it. Maybe another time.

I'll just say I've had some hard times recently with the same old shit... That I shed a couple tears Wednesday night sitting alone in the living room while thinking about not being good enough for anyone, NEVER being good enough for anyone, and never going to matter to anyone I'd like to matter to.... that definitely seems to tug at me the most -- not mattering, and especially not being good enough for anyone to ever really care about. Not even as "just" a friend. Few things bring out the tear drops from me. And recently I've started to think about how I'll kill myself when that time comes (I know that time won't come SOON... but I also know that this isn't a LIFE I'm living, and if this is how I'm going to be, it's really not worth living a very long life).

That being aside, let me just talk about my prawns once again (gosh, I really have nothing going on. but, prawns are cool...).

Yeah, Kronos died yesterday. At the time of death, he had just become about 70 mm -- the largest of the bunch, I believe. basically, he was enjoying a rather long run of dominance in the tank.... but when he moulted on Wednesday to reach that 70 mm, he got his ass kicked. What a huge collapse from dominance. Enough to make one stop and think a little bit about real (human) life, and similar things that can happen to people of great power, prominance, wealth, etc.

Well, when I came home from my late class, ol' Kronos was swimming at the top trying to avoid further damage. But all the damage that was needed was already inflicted... he was fucked up in a big way -- both claws gone, only 4 legs left, 3 of the legs on one side. He was practically a worm. Eventually he came back down and wasted away slowly. It really was a sad sight to see what had suddenly become of him. He could hardly move around, and apparently couldn't feed in that condition. I wonder if I had separated him if he could have been nursed back... but I didn't have an extra air pump so I decided to let nature run its course. I was actually hopeful for his recovery until I saw him yesterday morning. he died a few hours after that. *sniffle*
The resident fish currently feast on his flesh.

I'm fairly certain it was only Angler who hunted down Kronos to do that to him. Angler is now the unchallenged dominant, and his orange claws will probably turn blue eventually to reflect that. Kronos was tough, but a pretty easy-going leader.... Angler is just vicious now, and seems to want to kill everyone. I'm getting irritated with him.

Scout, at the moment is back to being the smallest. White Horse has become my favorite one. She likes to climb and hide in the plants, making her appear resourceful and intelligent. She also seems very alert and elusive when Angler comes around. Well, she did moult yesterday and still has all appendages accounted for. Perhaps by being so low on the pecking order, she really learned how to be a true survivor. Kronos, on the other hand was very strong and dominant... but in the process perhaps lost the resourcefullness to be able to defend himself when he found himself soft-shelled and vulnerable. sad.
Very sad, because I assume these creatures are supposed to have an innate understanding of how to stay ok after moulting. Perhaps it's my fault for not providing enough hiding places in the tank.. but I do have plants and stuff... I don't know.

If that meanie Angler kills White Horse, damn I don't know what I'll do with that killer. I kind of saw Kronos and White Horse as one team, and Scout and Angler as the other. Now that's all gone, and I don't think Angler has (or wants) any allies at this point. My world of prawns is in utter disarray!

Thursday, October 17: 2002

3:19 am (Thu 10.17)

dave's in(s)ane world of prawns

Well, there's no reason this place has to be reserved completely for self loathing. I'll say a little about my prawns today, because I'm a loser and have nothing more exciting in my life than babysitting a bunch of water roaches (oops, there goes my self loathing again...)... and plus, I'm just weird!
I just feel I haven't said much about them.. yet they ARE pets as far as I'm concerned, and it's been a long time since I had any pets, and I must honor my pets. Anyway, they've been a nice little addition and diversion from this shabby homelife, and, I think I'm supposed to start keeping records on them for class anyway. But yeah, no personal shit in this entry.

As I mentioned before, I was given 4 of them juveniles. Most people got 3, some others got much larger ones. We're just supposed to keep them alive and monitor their growth. I'm not sure right now how I'm gonna do the keeping track part. I named them, but as you might imagine, it is sometimes hard to physically distinguish between each of them. When they molt, they sometimes grow/change drastically overnight. But right now, I seem to have a tab on who's who.

The smallest and always the most distinctive one is named "White Horse" (currently 51 mm). I named him/her (I think, her) that because she always had a more opaque body than the others. She also exhibited strange restless movements, and was also apparently near the bottom of the pecking order (which happens to be true of white horses in groups of horses). She was originally one of the two larger ones (may have actually been the largest)... but somehow she got taken down a notch in my tank. I thought she was sick, but looks healthier now even though she's now the smallest and seemingly weakest.

Originally the smallest, and now second smallest, is "Scout" (54 mm). He seems healthy and is starting to show a little color in his claws. He was the only one White Horse could intimidate regularly, but that's less and less the case now. Other than that, I haven't got too much to say about him except that he was the easiest to measure (he hangs around right next to the glass).

Dominance in the tank flips back and forth between the originally second largest, "Kronos" (60 mm), and the original second smallest, "Angler" (?? mm). Angler might actually be slightly bigger than Kronos now, but he's stubborn, and he's the only one that hasn't let me get a measurement. He impressed me in that he could compete for dominance while starting off way behind in size. Now he has the most color in his claws and more often than not seems to be a step up on Kronos. Angler was named so because of his long appendages (a real alpha specimen, huh?), especially one of his antennae.

Kronos was named so because he was originally the primary bully and menace in the tank. As far as I know, the name Kronos is just a TV reference. TV Kronos was the head of one television series' (Highlander) representation of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse... he (not so) apparently played the role of the "Pestilence" entity, and while he was not necessarily much bigger than the others, he was still very intimidating to all of the other three.
My Kronos may be losing dominance, but he looks more the part than ever. He's got wirey looking wiskers and the sword thing at the front of his head is broken off. Tough and battle worn. His right claw is also still slightly larger than his left (his "weapon" was how I used to ID him).

Yup, and there you go. Wasn't that fascinating? :P This is all pathetic when you really think about what prawns are... they are really like cockroaches.. cockroaches we eat.

Friday, September 27: 2002

8:38 pm (Fri 09.27)

the "new" semester ¦ new pets ¦ 301 sucks ¦ and my social life speeds to a whimpering crawl

I'm here. Hi. soooo.....
Nothing much. Nothing stimulating. But I thought I'd report.
I got the C in physics. That was some of the most worthwhile slacking I've done in a long time. So this semester is... like 4 weeks old now? No, 5. wow, I've been away. Well, the classes are chem, mammalian anatomy, zoology, and prawn culture and biology. Yeah, that's right... prawn culture. I don't know if I really have/want a future in aquaculture, but it's a nice class. I mean, it's 2 hours starting at 4:30 pm (just once a week) and I'm wide awake and attentive through the whole thing, so there must be something about it. 2 weeks ago we got some prawns to take care of. I got four 1-2 inchers and they haven't keeled over yet. Someone took home a 10-incher... AND ATE IT. He ate his fuckin' homework. But yeah, no big harm, it's cute class like that.

Chem is fine.. all review from a year ago, so far, so that's still easy. It'll get harder. First test for zoology is on Monday... I'm not too concerned about it, but maybe I should be.
Anatomy sucks. Crappy textbooks, bad unreadable xerox handouts, and killer lectures composed of material (and medical/scientific terms) not found in any of our texts. So that's not going to be fun. First lecture test is on Tuesday and I'm pretty lost. I set the bar high for myself when we took a lab practical last week Friday and I got the second highest score (still only a 70%) behind some guy who previously audited the class and works at the lab with the Dr. who's instructing. But the lecture is a different story. I feel expected to do well, but I won't.
Another thing.... that lab... I've got a semester of cutting up filthy, warm, freshly euthanized sheep. :P Those poor bastards. This just isn't the part of animal sciences I joined up for. I don't wanna do it... they're making me! My shirt actually still stinks of that lab from digging into sheep flesh earlier today. well, that's how it is.

So, umm... I am hanging around during a couple breaks with someone, one of my classmates. This is only significant because it's been a long time since I really socialized any during my spare time. I just don't find many people to hang around with who actually seem to like having me around. I don't appear to be a likeable person. Being in a major, finally, helps a bit though. I guess.
And there's still that particular ex of mine who really seems to want to spend time with me during at least one of my breaks. But I'm still not so much up to that. It's a shame after nearly 3 years how damaged I still am, or rather, how damaged my perception of her still is. I just have so little faith in her, as a person, and as a friend. But I suppose that's just indicative of a particular loyalty and dependability I really value in others, and in myself. Once it's broken... I don't know. I just know I feel that I don't want to start appreciating her again because if I start to, I feel I'll end up regretting it later.
Anyway, that love life of mine still seems hopeless. More recently, it's been on my mind a lot more. Which explains why I've been so horny this week. My level of horniness is directly related to my level of loneliness. Does sound kind of funny, but really.. I know it's not really sex that I really want. I seem to stop craving it so much once I start feeling ... accepted, appreciated, enjoyed, adored(?) by a girl. One might think it'd make me more horny to be around a girl who likes me. I don't know, I think I'm kinda weird like that. But I know I'm definitely not feeling "adored" by anyone (I'm such a girl). So anyway my wrist kinda hurts, and... what?? From all the sheep surgery is what I mean... yeah..

Ok! this has been your "State of the Loser" Address. Please resume your normal daily activity...

Sunday, August 25: 2002

2:11 am (Sun 08.25)

feeling funky and restless again ¦ just want to feel good; at peace

Well I haven't felt like this in awhile. That creepy sad feeling as I realize what a bunch of nothingness my life is. The tough part is that I have no one to turn to. I mean I just kind of look around and, I don't have to look far to know there's no point in looking around for someone. And I come online and, I don't know why I'm here either. I don't have any friends here and, there's really nothing to do. I just don't know what I'm doing. And I don't know what I should do. I just feel like such a waste. And I can't believe I'm so shy, even online. I'm just afraid of talking to people in general. It's like I feel so much pressure to be entertaining if I'm going to talk to anyone. And if I can't entertain, I might as well not even try.

I'm just sooo lonely. It's, it's, sooo unbelievably pathetic. It disgusts myself. And why do I keep feeling uncomfortably warm, and then cool again, then warm again? It's like something is actually going wrong with me right now.

I really don't know what I want to do. Sitting here thinking about it now, if I could have anything right now, what would make me feel better? Companionship of some sort? That's what I tend to assume I'm longing for. But at this moment, I don't think even that would make me feel better. Actually, it probably would, but it's not what I'm really wanting right now. It's like I keep thinking that interacting with people is so much work for me, I don't really want it. But in it's strange way, I know it makes me feel better. I want to relax and feel good though. I just want to feel good. Whoa.. is that why people take drugs? I'll never turn to that. But I don't know what to turn to. sleep? when I lie in bed, I feel like I'm only losing time. But eventually I sleep, and I feel nothing. Maybe I want to feel nothing. At peace. Are they the same? No, they're not... I want to be awake and at peace. Safe and happy.

I actually feel a little better now, after writing. a little. actually, not really. just a fleeting hint of catharsis. god, I'm a loser. such a fucking loser.
No, maybe I do feel better.. imagining that safe happy peaceful feeling...

(and that overly warm feeling is gone)

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Thursday, August 22: 2002

2:44 am (Thu 08.22)

gift from bro ¦ and some other stuff (following joggers home)

Hmmm.... I think I'm going to just quickly cram things into this entry. Nothing much; just various stuff I would have written more in-depth about had I felt more like writing in here during this past week ... you know, in my usual stretching out mundane things way that I write. But I haven't time or motivation to do much rambling now, so this will be more like a 'list of stuff that happened' entry.

For the first time ever, my brother got me a birthday gift. It's probably because he's married now. I guess wives do make boys grow up. or something. As for me, I'm 24 now. When I was 17, I said to myself that I'd probably feel like an adult when I'm 25.
I don't think that's going to be true. Incidentally, I considered 'feeling like an adult' in terms of feeling comfortable wearing a tuxedo. weirdness. But in a way it still makes sense to me.

oh, the birthday gift? Was a PC game called "Tropico" ... Mucho Macho Edition or some such thing. But it wouldn't play. Too bad, because it looked pretty interesting. But it's fine. So I let them have it back to play on their computer(s). I hope it's working.

Tuesday I went to campus to check grades. No grades to be found posted anywhere. He said he'd have them ready Monday. That's alright, I'm patient. Of course, like most people, I don't like when people say things and don't come through.

Went to Grandma and Grandpa's, as I hadn't done so in two whole weeks (oh, speaking of not coming through, eh). I think at this point they might like feeding me dinner more than having me work though. I'll go again this week to make up for skipping last week.

On my way home (on foot) I used a female jogger as motivation to make my way home faster, by seeing if I could keep up with her across the ala wai golf course. I gave myself horrible side stitches (as I do anytime I run when my tummy isn't completely empty) but I did keep up. Of course, she did quite a bit of walking... but it was a fast kind of walking :P and no, I was not staring at her butt. Not to claim I wouldn't have if she was more my taste (probably would have kept up better too). But the point is, that wasn't what I was doing.
My legs hurt a bit today. But I wouldn't say I'm too out of shape.

Shortly after I got home, dad came home. For some reason he had already brought with him dinner. I didn't want to just tell him that I had already eaten, so I just ate two dinners. Both fish. And somehow I didn't get sick like I usually do when I eat too much. I guess it was the jogging.
Okay ... The End.

Tuesday, August 13: 2002

9:11 pm (Tue 08.13)

optimal minimums? ¦ arguing with teachers

Well, it looks like I'm pretty much done with physics. Our final exam is later this week, but it doesn't seem like it'll matter. The curve is so weird that I'd need close to a perfect score on that exam (which is close to impossible) to have a chance at a B, but getting a zero should still give me a C. So basically whether I put 0 or 100% effort into this last exam, I get a C. I'm not sure why I'm still even going to class. I guess I'm just tentative. That I can do well on the last exam or get absolutely nothing on it and still get the same grade either way is so weird that I can't really believe that's how it is. I hope I got those calculations right.... (if I have a current 58% on the 80% of the total course work completed thus far, then scoring 0 on the remaining 20% would give a final score of 46.4%, right? right??). Right now a minimum of 40% gets a C. The teacher says the results of the final are unlikely to raise that more than 2 or 3 percent if at all. So I should feel safe, right? I'm such a worrier. And sure those are pathetic figures, but I struggled like a sick dog in this class and still managed to do slightly better than the mean.. so, *shrug* I'm alright with that; we're all allowed to struggle from time to time. :P

So what.. maybe I'll try for a sad 10 out of 50 on the exam; maybe I won't show up at all. But I'm not completely happy with this. Like it's not exactly honorable the way I'm looking at this. I'm not being all that I can be. Too lazy.
Or, or, we might say I'm just rational and resourceful. A very rich old duck once told me to "work smarter, not harder". Yeah, let's say that. I don't know.
But then there was that one psych class where I didn't need to take the last exam because I'd already secured an A, but I took it anyway (and scored a perfect on it). Maybe that just shows if it's easy, I'm there til the end; if it's not, I look for ways to bail out early. Of course, I've ONLY been this way in schoolwork situations. (Or have I?)

This reminds me of the time I got into an argument with a high school english teacher because of this very way of looking at my grades. I think I asked her about my status, and specifically, what minimum I could get on some project while still having enough to get a certain over all grade. She wouldn't tell me. She wouldn't tell me how I was doing; nothing. She had valid points, sure. About maybe how I shouldn't look at things like that. How I shouldn't base my effort on minimum requirements. Very valid, actually. No rationalization there... it just seems wrong somehow if one were to live their whole life based on that kind of thinking.
At the same time, I was ticked that she wouldn't tell me. I mean, if you're the only one who can give the student info on how they're doing in the class... even if you disagree with why they're asking... you should give them the truth. I mean, ok, make a good point about why you don't like it, but let the kid make his/her own final decision on how they want to proceed for themselves. I still feel that way. And gosh that was 8 years ago. well, 7 and a half.

It kind of surprises me. Considering how shy I am, I've had my share of animated verbal disputes with teachers. Actually, it really surprises me how verbal (not loud or profane, but otherwise animated and expressive) I got with some of them ... and I was just my quiet self the rest of the time. Off the top of my head, there were 2 or 3 times in high school and one in college (with a TA grad student). There were probably more. Oh yeah, there was at least one more in college (Vo). heheh. Trouble maker. It's interesting because I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone else arguing with a college instructor, and all mine actually happened when at least a few other students were around. Me of all people. It's been awhile. I wonder if I'm more gutless now, or just nothing to get worked up about?

Well anyway, I'm gonna feel pretty stupid if I end up with a D in physics. That shouldn't happen... shouldn't....

Wednesday, August 07: 2002

2:06 am (Wed 08.07)

first ex girlfriend ¦ no new progress

I was wandering around campus with no intention of studying, just contemplating another questionable test performance. (Well, this was on Friday actually... I've just been too tired/lazy to update properly.) Suddenly I saw tori up ahead, and what did I do? I quickly swiveled out of the way and hurried up a staircase I had no intention (originally) of going up. I don't know. I was surprised to see her still around. I mean, she's my age. she should have graduated and gone already. But also, that reaction was very different from previous times I bumped into her. I'm out of it. Just so out of it.

I've mentioned sherri, my last ex, several times before. I thought I'd take a little time to mention tori, my first (and only other) ex. She faded out of my life much more quickly and much more completely than did sherri (whom I had a long chat with just on saturday). Too quickly. But I won't get into that. For a first girlfriend at age 20 and the longer of the two relationships (3 months vs 1), she left kind of little impact on me. Maybe it's because I met someone else so soon after. Whereas it's been nearly 3 years since sherri. (damnit)

She still uses that backpack I gave her. That's nice to see, somehow. It was part of my Valentine's Day gift I think. I know, lame. But it was my first and only valentine's where I actually had somebody with me. I don't know what the hell. Well, she did actually need the backpack. (She thought her old backpack was too visible for her abusive ex boyfriend to spot her.)

Anyway, she looked happy. In that child-like way she was. Fiddling with a cell phone. A cell phone? I guess she is doing well. She has a social life. We were both real shy. Trying to to get over it. She was better at it than me though. She was the one who did the asking out. The drugs probably helped. What I mean is, she was bad off enough to be prescribed anti-depressants. Apparently I'm pretty bad, but not bad enough to warrant chemical aid. Her personality seemingly completely transformed because of them.

Eventually it seemed I wasn't outgoing enough for her. This is a problem when two unhappy shies get together. Eventually one of them improves and someone is left behind. I guess our personalities never seemed to match well anyhow. She was more of an innocent but curious childlike shy. I've always been more of a quiet, unexciteable, serious (almost stoic, yet oh so uncool) shy. I appreciate concise facts, readable thoughts, up-to-datedness, and ease of use in a website; she preferred just lots and lots of colors and pictures. We were sort of opposites this way, but none of the beneficial yin and yang stuff -- no active, positive half that was any good at drawing out the best in the other. God, I'm yin. That is, a failure as a man.

And that brings us right back to me swiveling and going up that set of stairs. (running away)
I've really gone nowhere since I knew her. In ways I feel I'm not as good as I once was. I really hate to let people from my past see how not far I've come, personally, in the past couple years. It's almost shocking to me what a big load of nothing I've achieved since the beginning of 2000. When I think of all the things I started since then (including this journal), yet not much at all to really speak of.

So, I recall ex girlfriends. And I write about them. And wonder how I ever had things going that good; or if I'll ever have that again.

Monday, July 29: 2002

8:11 pm (Mon 07.29)

porch cooldown ¦ green anoles and hobbit jades

oh, man I'm supposed to study tonight. But it's sooo hot. and I'm so sticky and gross. I can never study in these conditions. I should have gone to school today. Not that I really regret it that much. But if there was a day to sit for hours in a cool quiet library, this is it.

Spent a lot of time today wandering out onto the porch to cool off. I spotted a nice green anole (lizard) hopping from the starfruit tree to the plumeria. I've noticed sadly that the population of those guys seems to be down in recent years. I rarely see them around the yard anymore... but maybe it's because we have less plants now since grandpa died. But when I visit other grandpa's yard, I don't see them around anymore either. It's those darn green geckoes that seem to have recently invaded. They seem to be diurnal and have taken over green anole turf. The green geckoes are kinda pretty and cute (well not like how a girl is pretty and cute..) but there are so many of them now. and they fight. they fight like little dinosaurs.. which is cool, but kinda creepy.. suddenly their not that cute. The anoles are cool.. they have that purple dewlap thing, and they actually look like little dinosaurs.... oh I miss them so.

I was also looking at my hobbit jade plant... the one I stole in the form of one leaf at that plant shop last summer. That same leaf is still strong and alive, and just sticking out of the dirt. It's sort of phallic. There's a "cloned" plant sprouting out from it now, but it's still smaller than a half-dollar and it doesn't look like a hobbit jade yet. It sure is growing slow. I guess I don't feel so bad about having taken that leaf from that shop :) I mean it was far from an instant plant. Kind of fun to watch grow though.

Well, I guess those are my thoughts today. *shrug*

5 callous hecklers | Ridicule me

Thursday, July 25: 2002

11:55 pm (Thu 07.25)

sudden bunch of thoughts on visiting grandparents; yardwork; winding down

I have not been feeling rather unlazy this week. I managed to get over to grandma and grandpa's to work in their garden/yard today though. It was a little over a week since my last visit there, and I always feel a little bad when I take more than a week to come back because the leaves pile up and the plants dry out and grandpa ends up picking up for that himself.

I thought about coming by to work twice a week though, and realized that maybe it's better that I don't try to take care of "everything". I mean, do I really think it's for the best for grandpa to no longer do anything and no longer have any physical activity? I look at it two ways: They're old, and should no longer have to be doing certain tasks and chores anymore; they should get to rest and veg out as much as possible now. On the other hand, doing everything for elderly who are still generally capable just hastens their aging and deterioration due to lack of activity, and it often assumes that they don't want to do things for themselves.... which doesn't seem to be true to me.
I don't know.. I guess I decided that it is actually better that he still have stuff to do in the yard, on some level he still likes to do some of it himself, and it's better that I not come to work more than once a week. That decision is not out of laziness on my part.. honest :P

I can hardly believe grandpa can now still handle the water hose and rake up leaves. I mean, considering his condition not so long ago, and considering that he does seem considerably less stable and able than he did before his accident. It's nice to see that he can do that stuff again. It makes me nervous just watching him move about though, especially down stairs. And today was windy and huge mangos from their old trees were falling really hard like rocks, and I got to wondering what the hell would happen if one of them were to hit grandma while she was outside looking for ripe ones to pick. But the truth is, they live there alone... and whether I'm there to worry or not, they seem to be getting along fine.

I guess I realize that it may only take one spill for them, for something really bad to happen. It reminds me of how fragile irreplaceable human life can be. But you know, I don't know that they really even care too much about that anyway. Quote of the day while watching NGN with them today: a commercial for adult diapers prompts Grandma to exclaim "when you're eighty to ninety, you should just die already. Once you pass ninety.. ho, da mess up!"

While watching japanese TV with them, I noticed the weird box-like car they're selling in Japan. I wonder if they sell those around here. Those things look like they didn't even try to make them look nice. but anyway, I've enjoyed visiting them recently, even though I don't say a lot. Grandpa always wakes up when he hears me raking. And something reminded me this week... hugging them goodbye is the only human touch I ever get anymore. I didn't realize this... in fact I was having a real hard time trying to recall when exactly the last time I touched another human was. I thought it might have been MONTHS ago, until I was reminded that I do hug my grandparents good-bye every week. In a way that seems sort of sweet; in a way it's a little sad. But yeah... I don't know. That's ok.

current mood: garlicky

Tuesday, July 23: 2002

5:22 pm (Tue 07.23)

bitchin' physics ¦

So tired. I stayed up all night studying for a test. I still managed to blow it. Maybe, I got a 60. Which, he mentioned at the start is usually a C in that course. I guess that's not SO bad... I'm just not used to actually trying and studying for a course, and still doing not so good. When I expend this energy it usually pays off more. I suck at this class. I'm not sure why. physics. confusing crap.

*frown* I'm not sure why I'm not dead asleep right now.

Different setting, different format; different tactics needed. *frown*
Tactics.. hmm, playtime.

Wednesday, July 10: 2002

8:10 pm (Wed 07.10)

I've been stricken with with this incredible and barely explainable feeling of rejection tonight. It's giving me these cold shivers, sucked the energy out of my body, yet I feel like punching things. (things, not people)

This is why it's better for me to run away from people. God, how do I stop myself from feeling these thoughts? I'm working out again tonight... hard. Not because I have the energy tonight, but because I want to beat this feeling into the ground.

current mood: what do you think?

Tuesday, July 09: 2002

6:33 pm (Tue 07.09)

hard sit-ups and magic starfruit

Well, there's physics class now, but haven't got many thoughts about that. Summer session feels odd. Never done it before. It's like, kind of depressing. Oh well!

I did some sit-ups today. 30 was too much... I damn near went into convulsions (that's not true). I didn't know my tummy got so out of shape. Those are kind of important muscles. They help in posture, balance, they help prevent hernia.. I have a horrible and strange fear of herniation. But what's not to fear about it? Guts forcing their way into my scrotum = bummer!
There was a time in 8th grade when I could rip off 70-80 sit-ups in a minute. That was the one year when I worked out almost every day (my dedication that year amazes me to this day). I'm sure I could get back around there if I'd just spend some time concentrating on them again. Muscles are amazing things. Like watching a badly wilting plant make a full recovery. hm, yeah. that's excitement.

Speaking of that, we have so many starfruits this year. They're bigger than I ever remember them being too. Last year I thought the tree was dying or something. It's weird because I didn't really take care of the trees much since the hose broke sometime late last year. All the fruit just came out of nowhere. Mango tree has nothing going on this year though.

I took a starfruit off the tree this afternoon and to avoid dealing with dripping juice I went into the back yard and ate it while crouching in the shade. I gobbled it down.. I must've looked like some sort of starving vagrant.. or maybe a monkey.
Truth be told, I really don't much like the taste of starfruit. It's ok. But it's a really easy to eat fruit. I'll eat everything but the stem. Plus there's something really cool about being able to pick fruit right off the tree and eat it whole (yeah, I rinse). Orchards must be neat places.

5 callous hecklers | Ridicule me

Saturday, July 06: 2002

4:51 am (Sat 07.06)

mini-epiphany follow-up ¦ AA link

ah, a mini-epiphany about my last entry ... me jot. I'm alone whether other people are awake or not... so I'd rather be alone when nobody's around. (alone on my own terms? alone when I can't really be expected not to be alone? when the loneliness feels natural?)

Also forgot to mention on the last entry:
Asian Avenue page (link) that I've been updating a lot more often than this journal (in case you're just DYING to read more crap from me). I allow myself to post mainly annoying fluff for the public there. As long as I don't get too serious there, it's safe.

4:33 am (Sat 07.06)

hey man, what's new? (nothing) ¦ vacation -- not enough dark hours

ehh let's see. It's about time I wrote something here again. Every time, It's like I'm updating just to smack the previous embarrassing entry further down the queue and out of public sight.

Hmm.... not much to report, is all. Such a life. I hate getting in touch with old "friends" and getting asked "what's new? fille me in!" .... nothing's new; I'm still a lifeless loser, damnit. (Oh, damnit. this is pathetic. *weep!*)

I've got class on Monday. Just this week I started waking up really late in the afternoon (as opposed to the normal early in the afternoon) ... sometimes near evening. So I guess that really is how I prefer to spend my vacation -- up and alone all night during the dark hours of the morning. Well, I could obviously think of better ways to spend a vacation, but considering who I am and what I've accomplished for myself in my life thus far (socially ... financially..), it's my favorite option. Ironically enough.. as cold, dark, and lonely as many many many of my most hated days have felt to me, there are not enough cold, dark, lonely hours of the night to satisfy me. I wish it stayed dark for 5 more hours. Of course, everybody else would have to also stay asleep for 5 more hours.

I wonder if I should sleep today. I don't wanna. Despite what it seems, I don't like missing the daytime either. I mean, there are cartoons 'n stuff. I also haven't been able to get to grandma and grandpa's yard this week.

I'll go back to staring at the wall now

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